


i tried to scream but my head was underwater

by Skamtrash



Category: SKAM (Norway)
Genre: Deep Conversations, Established Relationship, Healing, Hurt/Comfort, Isak is healing, M/M, Mentions of Rape, Miscommunication, Shy Isak, he loves books and baking
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-07
Updated: 2020-01-07
Packaged: 2021-02-27 04:48:23
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,729
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22161331
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Skamtrash/pseuds/Skamtrash
Summary: even knows his boyfriend is a little odd. he's scared of loud noises, he takes an hour to eat a single sandwich, he only likes gentle touchesa story of Even learning about Isaks previous abusive relationship
Relationships: Even Bech Næsheim/Isak Valtersen
Comments: 11
Kudos: 277





	i tried to scream but my head was underwater

**Author's Note:**

> TRIGGER WARNING: mentions of abuse and rape. not described in detail

Even knew his boyfriend was quiet and shy, it was one of the things he loved about him. But the further into their relationship it got, Even started to realize more things about Isak that concerned him, things a little more concerning than just being his soft spoken, fragile self. 

In the beginning of their relationship, Isak would join Even and his friends when invited to outings or nights in. But one night, when Isak was invited over and Mahdi and Magnus got into a play fight as they do, Isak panicked, freaked out and ran to hide in the bathroom and was too embarrassed to come out until an hour later when Jonas said he was going to piss himself. He left without a word that day, feeling humiliated but later on, Isak just admitted to not liking anything that resembled violence. 

That was the first odd encounter. 

.

Even remembers when they were walking down the summer streets of Oslo with their frozen yogurts and just had a really nice date. The sun was setting and it was everything Even pictured for the evening but then suddenly a loud garbage truck is heard in the distance and Isak screams and drops his yogurt. He blushes embarrassed and just picks the container up and throws it in the trash can at the corner. Even walks up to him concerned, "Are you okay?"

He nods, refusing to make eye contact, wishing the ground will swallow him whole.

He learns loud noises scares Isak.

.

His friends have expressed disinterest in going out to eat with the couple. Its no secret Isak is a slow eater, a very slow eater and everyone knew never to make plans so close to a meal when he was there. On what was about their fifth date, Even jokingly said, "You eat very slow"

Isak looks up at him with daggers in his eyes as if that triggered something. 

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean it in a bad way."

Isak doesn't speak much to him for the rest of the night. 

.

Even knows he's in a very odd relationship. Granted, courting Isak should have been the hint that this wouldn't be a normal relationship. Isak was scared of Even when they first met at the bookstore Even works at. Even tried flirting and Isak just started backing away, tripping over his own feet until Isaks friend had found him, "What's up, dude?"

Isak just looks up to curly headed friend helplessly and Jonas looks towards Even, "Did you want something?"

Even shrugs, "His number, maybe."

"He just got out a relationship, not looking" He mutters as he turns around with Isaks hand in his and walks out.

But when Even sees the boy in the store a couple days later, he can't help himself. He walks up to Isak slowly and the boy jumps when he feels someone close by. He's about to run off when Even says, "I'm not going to hurt you."

Isak looks up at him untrusting, "I just wanted to tell you you're the most beautiful person I've seen"

Isak brings the book he's holding up to his face and hides his reddening cheeks. 

"Its true." Even smirks. "I haven't stopped thinking about you. You're gorgeous."

"Thank you" He says in the most soft spoken tone he's ever heard and Even almost melts. God really just blessed him with the man of his dreams, he feels undeserving

"What's your name?"

"Isak."

"I'm Even. Nice to meet you." He says holding out his hand but Isak shyly shakes his head. 

"I don't blame you, you don't know where a strangers hands have been. So you like Bierce?"

"Hmm?" 

"The book in your hand"

"Oh." He chuckles and nods. 

"Well, they're having a fantasy workshop of sorts here next Saturday. I don't work then but I thought about coming. Do you want to join me?"

Isaks eyes widen and he looks at the ground shyly, "What time?" He ask softly, barely audible. 

"8. Will I see you there?"

Isak just gives a simple nod and holds up the book, "Need to pay." He says and scurries to the counter and pays and leaves right after.

.

So Even is well aware of how different his boyfriend is. And at first he thought he was just immensely shy but they've been in a relationship for a little over a year now and Isak is nearly as shy as he was the first day. 

Sometimes Even ask him and he'll just chuckle it off and shrug or say, "I've always been shy."

.

Even remembers the first time they really made out like the back of his hand. It was after a date and Isak invited Even upstairs for dessert he made. Isak loved baking. Books and baking were his favorites. Isak wasn't a man of many words but he showed his love by baking. 

So after they snacked on the treats, they cuddled on the couch and naturally, Even wants to kiss his boyfriend. So he does. And it's okay, in the beginning. But when Even goes to lie him on his back and deepen the kiss, he feels Isak tensing up and his heart rate spike.

"Are you okay?" He ask when he pulls back.

He ignores his anxiety and nods so Even resumes the kiss. When Evens hand go to tug at Isaks hair, caught up in the moment, Isak pushes Even back so far, he falls off the couch and into the coffee table, bruising his hip.

Even looks up at him incredulously, "Why did you do that?"

Isak stares at him blankly and runs into his bedroom, closing the door. When Even knocks moments later, Isak tells Even to leave and he'll just call him tomorrow morning. They don't ever talk about it. 

.

And now Even notices other things as they spend more and more time together and practically live together. Isak takes two showers every single day, no exceptions. And they always seem to be over 30 minutes each time. Even doesn't complain though he occasionally thinks about the increase of his water bill. 

Isak also doesn't like quickies, which is not abnormal. But he needs to be caressed and taken care of during sex, every single time. And sometimes Even just wants to get a little rough with him but he wouldn't dare. So he gives him slow and gentle sex because that's what Isak wants. It took seven months for them to have sex in the first place, which was another difficult task for them, so Even isn't complaining about what he gets. 

He also has to shower before and after every time they have sex. Even doesn't question it but it sure does eliminate any spontaneity. 

Learning about Isak is like uncapping traditional nesting dolls. It's always something new he's learning. And Even decides he needs to ask him, see if there's a reason for why he is the way he is. 

Isaks in the kitchen, making some strawberry tarts he was quite excited about. Even trails into the kitchen and wraps his arms around him, pressing against him from behind. He kisses his shoulder, "Looks amazing."

"Thanks." He says simply. Even steps away and leans back against the counter behind him, "I was wondering if we could talk about something." He suggests. 

Isak nods, hands still busy and working away. 

"I dont really know how to frame it." He says hesitantly.

Isak looks back at Even with a confused look, "What is it?" And why are you standing behind me?"

Even moves so he's leaning against the fridge, right next to where Isaks working.

"I've just been thinking a lot about us, since we've gotten together. And erm, I learn more and more about you and I guess I'm just wondering if there's a reason for the quirks you have. "

"What are you talking about?" Isak ask confused as he shapes the tarts.

"Well, there's a lot of things, like I don't know, how loud noises scare you, eating really slow and Jonas being so protective, not wanting to be around my friends if they're drunk, the showering thing. I don't know, there's so many and I know they're not related but they're just different. Is there a reason why you do those things? Or that you're so shy?"

Isak just shakes his head and shrugs.

"What does that mean?"

"There's no reason." He shrugs off.

"Are you sure?"

Isak gives him that look that tells him to stop pushing it, "There's no reason." He repeats. 

"Okay" Even says though he doesn't believe him. He squeezes Isaks hip and kisses the back of his neck, "I love you" and leaves the kitchen.

.

Even hates feeling like he's going behind Isaks back but he's concerned and decides to ask Jonas about it. 

_hi jonas_

_hey bro_

_wanted to ask you something_

_how cryptic. is isak okay?_

_why do you ask me if he's okay every time I text you? What could possibly be wrong?_

_im just checking in, what is it?_

_has something happened to Isak to make him the way he is_

_did he say something?_

_no? is there something to say?????_

_no._

_you're lying_

_what do you want, even_

_my boyfriend is weird, okay. I still love him to death but something's off and I want to know what it is_

_And what would you like me to do?_

_tell me!!_

_there's nothing to tell, even_

_why are you lying to me?_

_I'm not lying, Isaks just weird, he's always been weird._

_why the hell won't you guys tell me? I'm his fucking boyfriend_

_talk to you later,_ _even._

_🖕_

.

Even puts the pieces together himself. He writes down all the strange things about Isak down on paper, seeing all the things physically to help him put the pieces together and it doesn't take him long to have a clue.

He knows the question he'll ask and he's not expecting an answer but based on Isaks reaction, he'll figure it out. 

They're cuddling in bed after being intimiate with each other, still sticky and sweaty as they make conversation and Even makes sure to adjusts himself so he's looking at Isak when he asks,

"What was your relationship with your ex like?"

He feels Isak tense against him and how his gaze turns shifty so he closes his eyes. He hears his breathing get erratic, "Why are you asking me that?" He murmurs. 

"I don't know, we haven't talked about exes."

"And I don't want to." He says getting up out of bed to take his shower.

Before he leaves, Even calls his name. 

"Do you love me?" Even ask.

Isak nods.

"Then why don't you ever say it back?"

Isak just shifts on his feet, "I hate when you ask me so many questions so please stop." He says and closes the door behind him. 

The next day when Even wakes up and Isak is gone, he's a little concerned. He grabs his phone from beside him and checks the message from Isak. 

_Do we need to break up?_

Even jumps up when he reads the message, immediately calling Isak.

"What the hell was that message? Where even are you?" 

"I'm with Jonas." He answers simply. 

"Are you thinking about breaking up?"

"Why don't you trust me?" Isak ask.

"I do, baby. I do trust you."

"No you don't. Why are you going behind my back asking Jonas weird questions about me?"

"I'm not--fuck, I--Isak, I'm just trying to figure out--"

"There's nothing to figure out, I already told you that. Why can't you believe me?"

"Because I don't think you're telling me the truth, baby. I think both of you are lying to me."

He just hears Isak sigh on the other line.

"I think I figured it out, Isak."

"Figured out what? There's nothing to figure out."

"I think you should come over so we can talk about it."

And just like that, the line goes dead. And Even doesn't see Isak for the next three weeks.

Until one evening, Isak is knocking at his door.

"Hi, I missed you." Even smiles when he greets him. 

"I just came to get my things" He says walking in the apartment without an invitation. 

"Whoa, what are you talking about? Why?" Even ask closing the door.

"I can't do this, Even." He says walking into the bedroom and packing his things. Even strides in his room and closes the door behind him, "Talk to me."

"All you want to do is talk, I'm sick of talking." Isak sucks his teeth.

"Really? Because you haven't spoken to me about a single god damn thing that matters since we've been together."

Isak ignores him and just zips his bag up and throws it over his shoulder. "Move" He says looking up at Even blocking the door.

"Can I ask you a question first?"

"No" He says pulling Evens hand to get him away from the door but the older blond stays firm.

"Jonas is waiting for me downstairs, he's going to come up and know you won't let me leave."

"I don't give a shit where Jonas is." Isak flinched, staring up at him wide eyes. Even knows he hates profanity. 

"I'll let you leave. I just want to know something. Did your ex boyfriend hurt you?"

Even swears he sees flames in Isaks eyes, "Move out of my way."

"Isak."

"Move out of my way!!" He cries out. The loudest Even has ever heard of him. "Let me go please. Just let me go." He screams, hands start hitting and swatting at Even. Even feels too bad and moves aside to let Isak leave but the boy just collapses to the floor and hysterically cries. 

Even watches as Isak is sat on his knees, his face buried in the floor as he cries. He feels helpless. He quickly shoots Jonas a text letting him know what's going on.

Even kneels down on the floor and wraps Isak into his arms so he can get out of all the pent up emotions and things he hasn't spoken about. He's releasing it all through his tears and Even just consoles him in the process. 

About an hour later, Isaks eyes are beat red, dried tear streaks on his cheeks as he lies with his head in Evens lap on the carpeted floor, words yet to go spoken.

"I need to tell Jonas he can go home." He says getting up to find his phone. But Even keeps him still, "I told him, don't worry.

Even continues running his fingers through Isaks hair. He doesn't want to pressure him to speak anymore. He just consoles him by being here, showing him he's not leaving. He's never leaving. 

"His name was Noah. He really really hurt me." He admits. "I'm sorry for not telling you."

"I forgive you"

"We dated for three years. I really loved him."

"How did you meet?"

"In school. I was 16. He was 19. He was my first relationship, I had just come out and was so excited someone was interested in me. He was sweet, he was always sweet in the beginning. I fell in love with him fast, he spoiled me. Told me he loved me after like three weeks. And we--my father hurt me too so I didn't live with my parents so when he said he wanted us to live together, I moved in with him. I was so stupid, Jonas told me not to."

"You're not stupid, baby. You were 16 and in love."

Isak keeps talking 

"Things changed when we moved in. He wouldn't let Jonas come over. He paid the rent or his parents paid the rent and would make me feel like I didn't have a say because I wasnt paying for anything. It started with him not letting Jonas come over. But then he would get really jealous, Even. He hated when I talked to anyone that wasn't him. And I used to like going out and we went to a party and this guy was flirting with me. I didn't even flirt back but when he saw that, he took me home and hit me for the first time. He slapped me and kicked me but then apologized. He just told me he loved me so much, he didn't want me to leave.

But then he would do that more often. Every time I didn't listen to him, he would hit me. He started, Even, he started raping me." He cries. "I didn't want to sleep with him much anymore, I wasn't enjoying it. So he'd force me. Every time for years, he was raping me. And doing dirty things to me. And he was always so rough. Every time. That's why. It's why I needed you to be gentle with me. And I couldn't leave. I didn't really have a phone, I mean I did but he read everything and monitored it. I was scared to tell Jonas, I didn't know what to do. I had developed a little bit of an eating disorder so he would force feed me. Shove food down my throat. Tell me he couldn't live without me and had to make sure I'd live. And he was always screaming at me and yelling at me. For no reason. I always made him angry."

Everything is starting to make sense to Even. He just sits there with Isak in his arms and silently sobs.

"I found out eventually his father used to abuse his mother. I think that's why he hurt me. But it still, it was really hard to talk to someone. It was just getting worst, I sometimes just wish a car would run over me on my way home so I didn't have to deal with him. And it was worst when he would drink. It was so hard, Even. I just felt so stupid for moving in with him so quickly. I told Jonas eventually and we spoke to the school counselor to help me figure out what to do. He did get arrested for domestic violence but since his parents have money, he got out soon after. But when he was in juvi, I left. I was terrified. He always told me he would kill me if I left him. But I couldn't do that anymore. Even, I couldn't do it. I felt guilty about it but he would of hurt me. I couldn't stay, Even." 

"I know baby, I know" He says cradling him.

"I um--you asked about the shower thing, I felt filthy every time he touched me, it's why I shower so much. And I don't feel like that when you touch me but it just makes me feel safe, you know? The warm water soothes everything, makes me feel okay for a little bit. That all happened and then you met me a month later. I never-- I never had time to heal so I'm sorry for bringing you into it. But you were so sweet to me and i really started to like you but I just didn't know it had ruined me so much until you kept pointing out everything. I'm sorry for not being honest but it's really hard to talk about it. Sometimes, I worry that you might do that too because you're so nice to me now but later--."

"Isak, Isak stop." Even sits his boyfriend up and pulls him into his lap. Isak just wipes the tear streaks on Even's face. "You have no idea how much it hurts me to hear you tell me that. I knew it was something but I didn't think it would be that. That fact that someone could do that. To do that to you. My fucking precious and sweet boyfriend. It breaks my fucking heart that you were treated like that for so long. I would never ever hurt you. Would never put my hands on you and touch you without your permission. Ever. That guy is going to rot in hell. You are a fucking angel, my angel. And I am so fucking proud of you for getting out of that situation. I can only imagine how hard it was but you did it and you're away from him and I'm so fucking happy for you. Thank you for telling me. I love you so much, baby. I love you so much."

"I love you too." Isak says wrapping his arms around him. "I love you so much."

"If you need time like away from me so you can get better and do what you need to do, therapy, whatever. I don't mind. I want you to get better"

Isak shakes his head looking down at him, "I would like to go therapy but I don't want time apart. I want you there. Please." He begs softly.

"If you want me there, I'll be there every step of the way, okay ? I'm here with you and we'll get through it together."

Isak smiles softly and nods and gives Even a soft, gentle kiss, "Thank you. For everything. I love you. "

.

Therapy is hard on their relationship but it's necessary. A lot of old wounds are getting opened back up but it's necessary so they can be healed and never thought of again. Isak goes twice a week and Even waits in the waiting room every session and after every hour, Isak comes out crying into Even's arms. The receptionist is familiar with this by now. 

When they get themselves together, Even buys Isak soup each time. Something warm and soothing, something easy to swallow that doesn't trigger him right after being so vulnerable. And then they have a bath together. Every Tuesday and Saturday. Sometimes Isak will share what happened in the session to make him so emotional, most times he won't but Even doesn't mind. He just holds him as he needs and is there for him. And seven months into therapy, when they're walking in the streets hand in hand and a garbage truck stops nearby, it's engine barking a loud noise, Isak doesn't even notice, still in midst of his conversation with Even and Even just smiles, proud of his boyfriend. Many many hurdles await them but they're knocking them down together. 


End file.
